The Lingua Franca guide to the opposite sex...

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it is too dark to read" -Groucho Marx

It is a harsh and cruel world out there. At some point, you may turn to the opposite sex for comfort. This is a great alternative to books and dogs, since you cannot have sex with either (without getting arrested). This is the fangled way in which I have made my opening quote relevant to the article. I am great.

Step 1. Make eye contact

Women love it when you make eye contact. It reminds them that you are not currently staring at their breasts or ankles. The added advantage lies in being able to quickly shift focus to her breasts when she is distracted. Remember, despite any diversion you may employ, staring at her ankles will remain blatantly obvious.

In order to make eye contact, I recommend a nearby small object that can be used as a projectile. If you are unsure of your throwing ability, you can usually make direct eye contact with a finger or a swift shot from the elbow.


This relates to the article you are reading

Don't forget!! Some cultures consider constant eye contact rude and painful. If the object of your affections is from one of these cultures, you should stare at her breasts or ankles.

Step 2. You are an unemployed alcoholic or a convicted felon

Women love bad boys. If you are reading this article, you are probably one of these so called "nice guys who finish last" types that is frustrated with the object of your affections ditching you for dangerous men. This is because you are a loser. But there is hope. Simply claim to be the exact opposite of what you are. Realistically, who is going to challenge you in your assertions? At the very least, making these claims shows that you are a liar. If there is anything women love, it is a liar.


The bad boys get all the ladies

In the event that you are a bad liar, it may be time to reinvent yourself as an alcoholic or convicted felon. Be warned that this may suck or result in being convicted of various felonies.

Step 3. Grow a beard

Women hate excessive hair. Chest hair. Arm Hair. Facial Hair. The average woman wants her male to look like a young schoolboy with little growth and a baby-ish face.

The average North American Woman...


Pericles has a beard

European women prefer their men to look as though they have smeared themselves with glue and rolled around on the floor of a barber shop. If you ever try this, add a few pinches of sparkles for character.

Now I have no proof if this is actually true about European women. But since the average Russian speaks Russian, you may not have to face the fallout in a way that you will understand. It could still be very awkward though. European women are hot.

Step 4. Nihilism

Women like men who are profound thinkers. Sometimes what you consider profound and what the object of your affections considers profound are two different things. So it is best to adhere to a philosophical system which is hard to understand and completely stupid.

Nihilism fits this category perfectly. Whenever you feel the object of your affections is bored, simply claim that you cannot walk on the sidewalk because you refuse to acknowledge the existence of concrete. This will impress her and be perplexing enough that she will hang around for more. If you don't actually understand Nihilism, don't worry, no one gives a fuck. Not even Nihilists.


Are you impressed? Because I'm not.

Step 5. Start a blog

The internet is vast. Very vast. It is also very stupid. If you have a sexual fetish with vomiting on pidgeons, odds are that you will eventually find someone else with the same interests on the internet. There is nothing more self serving or self promoting than a blog. Blogs are so self oriented that the original term "weblog" was felt to be too inclusive, so the "we" was dropped.


This is a picture of me. Not you. This means I am more important

If you create a blog, shamelessly promoting your Nihilistic ways of being an unemployed alcoholic, then eventually, someone of the opposite sex in the vast universe of the internet will take notice.

Ladies, please leave your name and phone number in the comments section.


Don't forget to make eye contact